Tomb Robber's Tutorial
by Hui Xie
Summary: So you've loved him. You've idolized him. You've even possibly (tried to) molest him (and failed). Now you're down to your last chance. And what better way to impress the Theif King than becoming his tutee? His one and only guide to stealing!
1. Meet the Theif King Your Teacher

Haha! Yes, from the one who granted you "Destiny Prophecies: Sphere and Stone" this is a humor/parody!! Well, at least, I'm attempting A merry early Christmas to you all!!

Not sure how long this will take actually..I have no plot for this. It's a tutorial, for goodness sakes!! It's one of the things you long for it to end, so that you can run away, and play with your friends. (beams) So I'll have no idea how long it will take. I know the ending entry though. Just not sure what's going to happen in between. Inspiration please, people?

Inspired by my friend's fic (WhiteLightning's "Bakura's Guide To Getting What You Want"), I introduce to you my first (attempted) humor/parody, "Tomb Robber's Tutorial"!!

Read and review PLEASE? (infamous Ryou puppy-dog eyes....learned that from WhiteLightning!)

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**Tomb Robber's Tutorial: Lesson One --- Meet Your Teacher Day!!**

So you want to steal? To pickpocket? To rob, to burglarize, to swipe, to pick? To defeat your most hated pharaoh in all of Egypt to a game of Duel Monsters and rub it in his face for killing off your family and village and friends and imprisoning you in a golden toy?

Well, I ain't going to help you.

You come to me, Bakura sama, the most fearsome thief in all of Egypt, for advice? Why should I bestow my unholy methods of the sneakiest, most slippery, most guaranteed no-arrest style of theiving have have _you, _common mortal, surpass my own ability?

(Laughs) OH right. Like as if that's going to happen. You? Surpass ME? I'm not called the King of Thieves for nothing.

I doubt I'll ever teach you. No one can teach a pathetic mutt like you.

Oh, you hate the pharoah too?

No you don't. I can tell you lie. Ah well, you've passed the first test. You know what you have to do to get what you want. Nice. I like that in a person.

Okay, I'll teach you.

Basically, to be come a fearsome tomb robber, you have to look fearsome. We'll get in touch with the entire speech thing later. First of all, you need to look intimidating. Like my attire. Black, leather jacket, swooping out from the back, and a few touches of blood won't kill you. (Well, depending on whose blood is it. And if it's yours, it's depending how deep you had to go to get it. You don't have to _die _to look scary, unless you're like me and have an item that can save your life countless of times. And you don't. So don't be stupid.) So...guys, ditch those sweaters, ditch those plain t-shirts, ditch those vests. Girls, ditch those blouses, ditch those high heels, and ditch those skirts. (Uh...that goes for guys too. No skirts.) Unless you have an entire Egyptian theme for your attire, then grab yourself a linen skirt and leave your chest bare. OH FINE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE HAVING YOUR ...._bosoms _....BARE, LADIES, THEN ...then...(sniffs) it's not my fault. (Even though I'm a spirit, I _used _to have hormones, you know that?! No, I was not one of the pharaoh's sickening eunuchs who had to go through the entire vasectomy ritual and...why are we talking about this anyway? You're disgusting.). And also ditch the entire dress/skirt thing. (Groans) Bakas...Ra, give me strength....

Alright. Now that you've chosen your appropriate attire, (brown doesn't look intimidating, by the way. Brown leather? Nuh uh. You want to look evil, not like a stinking pile of poop that your mother would wrinkle her nose at.), now you must have the look of evil on your face.

Why is look so important? Well, I'll tell you.

There's no point in being evil but not look intimidating. Sure, it has some advantages, you know, looking innocent to hide your true intentions, but that's not going to be helpful when backing off gaurds. Sure, you can try to convince them with a sweet look, saying "oh no, I didn't steal anything, that big bundle under my cool intimidating jacket just _appeared _there..." but they're not really going to buy it.Even though they sure don't look it, those guards aren't dumb. (If you defy this rule, you'll be more of a baka than they are...and you don't want that on your reputation, let me assure you.) So. You can be mute and look intimidating and still be a good robber. Because with just one look, they would know you mean business, and sometimes, if your _really _good, they won't even ask why you're there. If you're _really _good, then they would gladly give you everything they own, and you would never have to say a word. That's an advantage of looking evil. As for that...make sure you know WHO to use it on. But I will get on with that later. First you need to MASTER that damn art before you can choose your victims. Certain people (cough)Pharaoh(cough)no(cough)BAKA(cough) have ways to become immune to your look; soon after you've mastered the art of LOOKING scary, then you need to learn how to be immune to other scary looks too, from evil to horny. (cough)Yami no Marik! (cough!)

(Who ever knew there was so much to learn just to become a tomb robber? We haven't even got on to the actual physical skills yet! Oh Ra, give me strength...wait, why would Ra give me strength? He'd be an idiot to let me defy him so....ah well. No more rambling!!)

Oh, so you've noticed that I've been giving the evil look at YOU! Wow,that is utterly amazing. You've discovered your ability to observe! A wondrous trait, if I might add. It'd deem useless if you don't acutally KNOW what you're stealing, or where it is, for that matter, so congratulate yourself. (claps hands) Observation skills. DON'T look at me all proud! I was being sarcastic!! (Moans) Oh gods, you poor, innocent beings! You don't even know sarcasm when it's laughing in your face!! I pity you so....!!

But wait, you say (after looking ever-oh-so-hurt from my just-realized-sarcasm), WHY am I looking so intimidatingly at you? Well, consider that your school bell. Class is over for today. Go practice, go find your proper attire. And don't come back until you do so. I can't possibly teach such a mundane excuse for mortals if they don't even LOOK good. Now go. Begone from my sight, or you will soon regret it.

(Of course, YOU run away, preferably crying in tears or screaming in fear.)

Ah....this is wonderful. I can overthrow the pharoah just yet!!


	2. Physique not the Shampoo

Sorry this was a bad chapter. I mean, really, how much can you write about physique when you have your cousin shooting off her long line of wonderful inspirational ideas right into your ear? Of course, it did give me more ideas...if not rendered my ears a little deaf.

Of course, this fic is dedicated to her...Thankies, Jackie-chan!! (Hugs)

She's extremely excited about this fic, let me tellyou. We had lots of fun writing the next chapter. She has lots of good ideas. (smiles)

Disclaimer: Don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. What a pity. Wish I could own Bakura or Yami though. (winks winks)

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Tomb Robber's Tutorial Lesson Two: Physique

I really must change that lesson's title. It'll no doubt attract more girls, not because of MY wondrous sexy physique, but rather they might think that someone's teaching them how to style their hair. And I am NOT doing that. They're not worth it, no matter what the stupid baka shampoo commercial tells them.

Ah, I see now that you've all finally found your proper attires. Finally. Did you realize how hard it was on my eyes? Yes, I am quite aware that the rest of the 7 billion in the people dress like you once did, but _they're _not learning how to steal. They're the steal-tees.

Now, lesson two on looking good. Now that you've finally found your proper attires, now you need to get your body down to size. You can hardly look intimidating if you're obese. No, don't tell me the excuse that you can use it to look cute. I will hardly justify that Chibis are not obese. And don't use the excuse that you can have people mistaken you as a rather flesh-colored bomb. It won't work. (Glares)

YOU! There, in the corner, you, the fatso with the black hair and the big mouth, yeah, you. Out. (points to door)

Idiot fangirl. I hope she falls off the roof and lands on another poor innocent victim.

Alright now, seperate into two groups. Guys on one side and girls on the other.

Now, I wouldn't mind examining all of you to create the perfect guide to have the perfect physique for a thief. However, a CERTAIN hikari whispered into my ear that examining the female gender would be...shall we say..."inappropriate", so I shall instead instruct the males, and have a guest to look after the women.

OH RYOU!!!

Excuse me. (Leaves room)

(Comes back dragging a wailing, desperate, red-blushed Ryou.)

"Bakura!! NO! Stop it!! I didn't mean it, okay?! STOP IT!!"

(Fangirls shriek)

Yes, my class. Let me introduce you to - (whaps the struggling Ryou on the head; he momentarily stops wriggling) - my dear sweet innocent hikari, Ryou Bakura. He will be the one looking after the girls (a small percentage of guys groan disappointedly), and giving me a status report so I can create a perfect military basis routine for you to all have the perfect body for thieving.

(Thrusts Ryou towards the girls and locks the door tight.)

"Bakura....please don't." (Ryou blushes)

Shall I do it then, hikari? I certainly wouldn't mind.

(Ryou blushes further and mutters about not minding too much) Baka. You'd think HE was the spirit with no hormones.

Alright now. Stand in a straight line and I shall walk past and see from one glance how well fitted for a theif you are.

I have just realized how little male mortals there are in here.

You all disgust me. Do you realize exactly how long it will take for you all to finally become a great thief? Really, although I do realize that about 37 of the world is obese, have I not mentioned that thieves are the ELITE? You are not part of this population! Once you all master the great art of theiving you will all become higher among the social status, in more ways than one. Hey, the money you are all going to steal is certainly going to benefit, let me assure you.

Why must your physique look good? Well, for health reasons, you must to agile enough to shimmy the buildings, jump across roofs, whirl through the air. Guys, here is the perfect example. Though his attire is certainly...not up to standards, at least his physique will do.

(Gestures to projector) Ryou, my dear hikari, please turn this on.

(Ryou, red as a tomato, hurries to turn on the projector.)

(A picture of Spider-man appears)

Personally I think this man is rather an idiot, but he will have to do. He can shimmy up buildings, jump across roofs, heck he can swing from pole to pole and skyscraper to skyscraper.

What do you mean I can't do that?!

Fine. Whatever.

Oh....sorry, kids, there's no insurance for this class.

Might I remind you that the door is locked? Thank you.

Now, men. Please subject yourself to something not so macho-looking, alright? All brawn and no brain serves no purpose unless you are a mind slave of sorts. Then that's what you'll only be good for. Try to go after something like MY physique. Sexy, thin, slender, pale. Or if you truly wish something a little bit more …bulging, then you can also decide to fit yourself to something like my old ancient self. Make sure you must have a six pack. That's a total given.

Oh, another thing. A scar wouldn't hurt either. (Unless…well, yeah, fine, I won't lie. It would hurt. But it will heal, I assure you.) Don't have on over your eye though. That's strictly MY trademark.

If you don't want to submit yourself to look like me, then the farthest I will allow you to go is Yami Marik's build. That's as far as you should go. Any further your already miniscule brains will deduct in size even further.

Right now. Good looks.

Ryou, how are the girls doing? (Ryou mutters and blushes) What? I didn't hear that. Ah, well, I knew that you couldn't do this, hikari. I may as well.

(Inspects the girls)

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Alright now. Good looks.

Good looks, handsome-ness, beauty, hottie qualities, are all assets to one who wishes to steal. I, of course, prefer to go for the more intimidating looks, hence my scar. It will not mutilate my overall looks, since I have the rest of my body to make up for that. However, when being handsome, or a hottie, or a beauty, it will charm the opposite sex to doing what you want.

Women, I seriously doubt you truly need this lesson. (Fangirls giggle) YOU are all animals, you really are. But instead of teaching you, then, in detail, I shall simply subject you to perform and practice on …

(Shoves Ryou into them)

….my hikari. Enjoy.

So, as I was saying, beauty can charm the opposite sex into doing what you want.

That's disgusting, you idiot fangirls. Yoai is NOT an asset!

But seriously, having good looks will surely guarantee the members of the opposite sex (fine fine! Same sex also, if you really want to go that far, you idiot fangirls!), and they will be utterly succumbed by your beauty that they will indefinitely put no fight when you wish to pickpocket. Of course, if you really want to go with the cliché, I suppose you can even marry that person and jack their inheritance, but of course, I must teach you how to murder properly before you can even comprehend that.

Yes, you, the brown-haired girl?

Huh? (Raises eyebrow) What do you mean, "monthly bodily functions might prevent you from thieving"?

(Ryou whispers in ear)

(Eyes widen)

That's disgusting. Does that REALLY happen every month?!  
Women are disgusting.

Ew.

THAT, once again, is not within my area of expertise. Ryou? (Shoves him again)

"BAKURA…NO!"

Sorry, Ryou-kun. You're much better at this than I am, I will grant you that.

End of today's lesson. Now….GO WORK OUT, YOU LAZY NINCOMPOOPS!!

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Sorry I made this chapter a lot worse than the first. Inspiration left me. But the next chapter will be funny, because there's lots of villains guest-starring, and Bakura's gonna diss them all!! Of course, beware, because there will be er…"bashing." But hey, come on, some of these are also MY fav villains too, so give me a break!

Read and Review!


	3. Red Bags

..hmn, yeah, sorry for denying this for so long.

Oh yeah..."gong hay fat choi, lai xi gao loi" means "happy chinese new year, give me red bags" just a translation. Because you'll need it for this fic. XD

ANd now...chapter three.

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Hello.

...aw, how cute. You're all trying to do the evil glare thing on me! That's so sweet. Hey, YOU! Evil glaring _does not require lip service! _Gods, now stick that bottom lip back in or you'll look like Ryou when he doesn't get what he wants!

...(sarcastically) Oh gods...do you really need me to classify what the hell you're doing so you won't do it again?

Fine.

It's called "POUTING"! Gods, do NOT POUT in my class! For one, it does not work on me, (or I'd be surrendering to my hikari's salad tongs every half an hour), and two...it is the essence of innocence! The soul of the Lights! The trademark of the hikaris!

AND I'M A YAMI!

Darkness! Evil! Destruction, terror, fright! POUTING DOES NOT INDUCE THOSE TRAITS THAT ARE REQUIRED FOR A EVIL, DESPICABLE, REVENGFUL TOMB ROBBER!

... Hey, don't get all uppity with me. You try being crammed in a blasted golden toy for five thousand years in the darkness. WITH NO NIGHT LIGHT!

(blushes) NO I DO NOT NEED A NIGHT LIGHT! Maybe YOU do...because I AM THE DARKNESS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAA! Yes, of course..you'd need a night light to find me, wouldn't you? To illuminate my features while I'm watching you in the dark, peering from your closet, watching you slip into bed...

...gods, I'm a tomb robber! Not Peeping Tom! I'm sadistic, not perverted!

And get used to it. You'll be waiting in the darkness for hours at a time if you're not careful enough to time your thievings right enough. So better hop into the nearest closet and hope with all your heart that the romping and jumping on the bed between two shadows can be simply just a baka with a seizure. If it is, great! All the more advantage for you to take whatever you want and go! But if it isn't...

...well, just make sure you don't steal any garment wear if something like that occurs. It'll make everything in your treasure bags wet. Really wet. Sticky too.

And yes, for those-young-females-who-love-the-relationship-classified-under-(cough) YAOI (cough), please do refrain from being distracted should something of the same gender happen in that...bed. I highly doubt anyone would appreciate to have a thief drop their treasure dead center and go"OH MY RA THAT'S YAMI MARIK SEXY"

Especially Yami Marik.

HEY! Don't look at me like that! I've actually had these encounters before! (shudders) You try hiding in the closet with your hands over your ears crouching against the corner for half a night straight!

Oh sure. Go try it after you attempt to stay in the darkness for five thousand years straight.

Now, while we're on the subject of hiding in houses and choosing what things to steal...

(eyes glints) Do you guys know what holiday is coming up?

No, it's not Christmas. Ew...please NEVER remind me of that grouch...grinch...that stole Christmas. Disgusting. Not even evil looking. He just looked as though he evolved from a green furry Kuriboh that ate too much green jelly. Something like that, of any sorts. Ew.

No, not Hallowe'en, either. What can you steal on Hallowe'en, anyways? Oh sure, you can dress up as your favourite hikari and slip into the Pharaoh's house pretending to be your hikari until you suddenly steal his Millennium Puzzle and scream"TRICK OR TREAT" as you run away from his grasps. Hmn, that's a possiblity..too bad I'd have to wait for one more year...

...no, not Valentine's Day, either. (smirks) Planning to steal-buy-rob-pickpocket-little hearts for your fav. hikaris? Make sure you get the chocolate ones made with real milk. A wonderful source of calcium!

But you're getting close. Now..which is the holiday that will gaurantee a thief's ultimate riches? What _is _this, powerful source, this ominipotent power, that renders even Christmas presents worthless!

They're not gold, they're not silver, they're not even Millennium Items.

They're...

...RED BAGS!

YES! RED BAGS! Small, rectangular, red bags with golden scriptures and slips of hundreds of bills within! RED BAGS!

(Sings) _That's why every crook we know believes_

_...do your dirty work on New Year's EEEEVVVEEE..._

_Chinese New Year's a holiday..._

_...for THIEVES!_

Haha, didn't believe me, did you! Haha! (grins) Take adavantage of this upcoming holiday, my thieves! And let me teach you the methods of such a wondrous of stealing mounds and mounds of red bags!

Now normally the red bags always have hundreds of dollars within them...they're at least usually more than five dollars, and they range anywhere from five dollars to five hundred dollars! Parents keep them in their rooms awaiting the next day when they will give them to children of the family.

Now, you can go with the Bakura approach... or the Ryou approach. The Bakura approach just allows you to hack into the house...

..and just steal the entire pile, stuff the red bags in your thieving bags, and jump out the window. In fact, just for sarcastic, cold, ruthless sardonic measure, you can even wake up the parents and bow, with a feral grin, and go,

"_Gong hay fat choi...Lai xie gao loi"_

...oh yes. And if they don't understand? Then:

_"Gong xie fa chai...hong bao na lai"_

AND THEN JUMP OUT THE WINDOW, LAUGHING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS! MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

...the Ryou approach?

...well.. it's sort of a "more-innocent-Bakura-pretending-to-be-Ryou-approach". Heck, it's a lot more innocent, anyways.

So: first step. Dye your hair black.

...oh fine. So I forgot that I'm the only albino so far currently in existence as far as I know. Forgive me!

Then, wear a lot of red, celebratory chinese clothes instead of your usual frightening garb...I do think they can tell the difference of color between a red shirt and a just a plain blood stained shirt.

Though I perfer the blood stained shirt.

At any rate, hop over to any one hosting a chinese new year party...

...pretend to be a family friend...

...be polite..

...STEAL ALL THE RED BAGS...

..AND JUMP OUT THE WINDOW!

Oh yes..

and if they dont' have money in them? Big deal! Chocolate wrapped in golden wrappers are even better! Then you can get all high and hyper and scare the crap out of anyone else who has a red bag! Then you can hop over to the nearest Dim Sum with all the stuff you stole and eat yourself silly!

And refill yourself after an hour when you're hungry again from eating Dim Sum!

Now if you will excuse me...I've had my eye on a girl from the KC Grand Prix for quite some time... OH, VIVIAN! GONG HAY FAT CHOI!

Oh? (runs back)

Oh sorry...I forgot you guys. (bows sincerly) Gong hay fat choi. (looks up, then runs away, and you see a packet of red bags that have been stolen from YOU)

...LAI XI GAO LOI!

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Um, yeah, celebrating chinese new year. Those weird song lyrics Baku sang were acutally from "Silent NIght" the animated version, you know, with the two mice and the...well, it was. There were like, these two bandits who tried to steal the church's donations and they were like, singing"That's why every crook we know believes, do your dirty work on CHRISTMAS EVE." So ...I changed it..to fit Baku's incentives. XD

Sorry I haven't been updating this story lately. It's hard for inspiration to come to someone who just doesn't write humor! I suck at writing humor!

Oh yeah..Baku and the salad tongs? That's from my friend willowindaudorois' fic"The Secret Journal of Bakura the Great". She has..Ryou posses...many odd kitchen ware to scare Baku with. (beams) Thanks, Willow-san!

Yeah, and sorry if I got the cantonese version of "gong hay fat choi"...i'm not cantonese. I'm Mandarin. So..sowwy! (hands you red bags) Enjoy!

Bakura: YOINK! (snatches)


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